Mutation Comedy- Improvisational Comedy Team Featuring Jim And Steve

2003 flexibility championships

The finalists

It was a humid morning when the crowd gathered in vicariously placed aluminum stands and folding chairs for the final event at the 2003 flexibility championships. The flexibility contests had started during the original Celtic settlers in NorthUmbria, Scotland and Ireland ( The Historical St. Patrick wiped out most of the records as well as using arms while dancing), all the countries forming distinctive differences in performance and judging. The early immigrants that came to the new world who settled in the hill country also innovated a colonial style that entertained the wealthy classes of new England and among the Creoles who performed cruel and sadistic practices for the entertainment of Spanish philanthropists and land owners.
The last three finalists were a unique bunch. There was Pink Jefferson a yogi from sunny California who was known to stand in impossible postures for several days. He was last year's winner. The second contestant was Jeff Cohlberg a Scottish test tube baby with synthetic bones. The last was Grub Schomerschlock a Billy from the hills of Arkansas.
At 10am the contestants lined up on the curb and the judges had ordered another round of beer. While the scantily clad servers/score card holding underage girls fetched the beer; the contestants warmed up. Pink was standing on one leg while reading Alan Watts, Jeff was trying to get the attention of 13-year-old Becky Henderson, Grub was trying to get a vein to appear under his skin, and had trouble with keeping the heroin from hardening in the hypo.
A judge lifted his megaphone, it wasn't working but all that needed to be understood was "Pink Jefferson". Pink knew it was his time to shine, he stood tall and at attention.
Pink's theme song, the theme from the hit sitcom 'Golden Girls' began playing over the loudspeakers. Pink slowly began to raise his already uplifted leg while still reading his book. His leg was raised straight up, his foot hanging over the top of his head. Pink then turned a page; there was a gasp from someone in the crowd. Pink nonchalantly turned his head while keeping his eyes on the page and began nibbling on his big toe, many thought this was funny, except the other contestants, they knew there would be more. The nibbling turned to sucking and many cameras went off when Pink began "deep throating" his foot all the way to the peak of the arch. The Judges were impressed. Pink would later have to bear the homosexual accusations and the offers to "make it big" in the adult film world.
Like a Boa constrictor gulping a rat - he began swallowing. The heel now emerged from his mouth - but Pink still seemingly reading his book. Pink was trying to breath out of his nose and was making strange gurgling noises along side the gagging sound in his throat. Pink swallowed once more and the heel disappeared, with his entire foot in his mouth he threw his book to the crowd and they leaped for it knocking into a server girl and spilling the beer she carried. Pink raised both hands and received a cheer from the crowd; some of the judges applauded, but kept a neutral disposition.
Pink was confident of his victory, always an innovator Pink introduced "internal flexibility" as a new category. As Pink was choking his foot back out the judges passed their signs to the girls and they were lifted. 10, 10, 9, 10.The third judge thought his recovery could use some work. All in all everyone knew this would be impossible to beat considering the fact that it was the first time such a feat was attempted and subsequently successful.
There was a moment of silence. The amazement hung, but quite - many were coming down from their awe enough to begin to realize that someone had to follow this act. They felt sorry for The Scot, Jeff Cohlberg . 'Like a Virgin' by Madonna began to play and without announcement Jeff Cohlberg from Scotland stepped out in the center of the street. There was a nod from his coach and Jeff began gyrating his hips to the beat of the song. Jeff then bent over backwards curling into himself until he faced his lower back. Amazing flexibility, but it wouldn't cut through the thick competition. It helped that he was from the mother country of the art, but the Judges only kept it interesting by showing an 8,8,8,4 (the last judge was Catholic and was offended by the theme song).
Jeff was crying.
The crowd would have taken pity, but the watered down beer began kicking in and most ridiculed, Pink tried to hug him, But Jeff only hid his head and sobbed. Pink was still elated, he knew he would win - with this recent innovation, how could he be stopped?
'Daybreak' by Barry Manilow began playing over the loudspeaker. Grub Schomershclong approached the center of the street, his smile was bright and he bowed to the crowd. Most considered this cocky, but they would soon forget as well as forgive. His coach/great grandma approached grub on her walker. She slowly and painfully planted a kiss on Grubs cheek. He was still smiling and gazing at the crowd. Great grandma Schomershlong reached down to a large burlap sack with all her feeble strength and pulled out a chainsaw, offering it to her great grandson. Grub took the handle of the chainsaw and motioned for his great grandma to stand back. She hobbled back with small strides placing her walker down for support between each one, managing to hold a bright smile for her Great Grandson.
The noise of the chainsaw soon overpowered Barry Manilow and the crowd stood still, except the drunks who were silently swaying.
Grub began another leg forward bow but instead of bowing, he stepped back and lifted the chainsaw, revving it up. In one slow motion Grub lowered the blade just under his right hip and began pressing down into the flesh. Blood was splattering over great grandma, and the spray was soon mixed with a coarse bone dust, and great grandma had to shield her eyes. The judges were getting small pieces of flesh, bone and blood in their beer.
Grub was at last standing on one leg, the other leg in his arm, he threw the limb across the street into the curb. He was given a bloody 10,10,10,10. The separation of limb was the absolute of flexibility, not only that, but the distance between body and leg broke all previous records of joint dislocation and elongation of limb. Breaking all categories, taking home the title and reinventing the art.
This was an amazing year for the flexibility arts.

The Repressed Females of 2107

Cletus Shay had a hard time getting laid. It wasn't that the process of procuring the vaginal unit that was difficult - being a media and music sensation that he was. The biggest star of rock and rock of all stars-Cletus had difficulty in keeping his mind focused on the arousal state. It happened the same way every time and it is an amazing experience to make a girl orgasm just upon seeing such a icon on stage, but behind closed doors it was a different matter all together.
It was not uncommon for a girl to choke on her own screams. Her vaginal juices would flow long before they were alone in the room, just by sheer anticipation. Cletus could tell what would come next. Usually by the time they were alone the girl s mascara would be running and the black lines would remind Cletus of a tragedy. If the girl could manage to de-clothe before the body spasms started Cletus would psyche himself up to ignore the helpless state of the mesmerized girl.
If he touched her she would most likely begin regurgitation. Usually just one startled upchuck, but she would become embarrassed inevitably and run away. On some occasions Cletus would manage to talk the girl down and towel her off, but as soon as he tried to make it to the projected penetration it would start again. Cletus would find moistness, but soon grew to expect many varieties of juices.
Like Dr. Reich was to the Victorian age, Cletus was to the age of the most sterile of civility and the bravest of new worlds with not a soul exhibiting animal bravery. To the collective unconscious of the female mind, Cletus was a goat boy, logos of the long gone male potency. In the years of civilized pacification and the height of an efficient male contraceptive 2107 - a potent male was nowhere to be found. The patriarchal society phallic temperament became as soggy as a boiled saltine. Even the potent black man lost the allure after decades of breeding into white females.
Cletus emerged from obscurity to find himself hopeless to the collective healing/squirting healing/squirting female body. The typical female would release all the pent up sexuality from muscular states and all sorts of liquids and gases would be released from the four(five if you count both nostrils) primary holes. Cletus knew not to attempt oral penetration for the main fear of a spasm making his monarch into mush. The back door was busy expelling any substance that would be washing through the length of the colon. The vaginal unit was usually somewhat tolerable, but quickly became immersed in sewage from the back and Cletus could never make it beyond that. The smell permeates even behind closed eyes and all romance withers away.
Early on Cletus would give up and seek solitude, but nowadays Cletus would simply finish himself off while the girl cycled between embarrassment, mania and hypnotic spasms. Hardly ever would a girl miss this finale. One went snapping after Cletus' closing argument like a terrier only to chip both of her front teeth on a coffee table.
Cletus' troubles continued for years; collecting fetishes as he went to compensate for the nature of the private exorcism, his role to the collective unconscious of the repressed females of 2107 A.D.
SD 2005

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